Fun with testicles

Rebecca writes:

Dear Bob,
I was wondering if you could help me out, my husband came home from work yesterday and said he only had one testicle hanging the other one had disappeared, then the next day it drop back down to normal. My question is, is this normal ?


Dear Rebecca,

I glad you asked that, because recently I have suffered chronic health problems and sought medical advice (I got colds and flu’s: one right after the other for several months). But I didn’t go to a doctor (because that costs money). I sought out information on the Internet in an attempt to diagnose myself.

I typed “I feel like shit” in mamma.com ‘cause I don’t like google anymore and found a link to a blog with nothing on it, and a link to an album called “I feel like shit” by a group called “Max the Dork.” I couldn’t resist the temptation to listen to a few demo tracks and I must admit I didn’t like it. I liked the concept of a punk version of Eleanor Rigby but I just didn’t like the song.

Then again, I don’t really like Green Day either and they do quite well for themselves.

Anyways, after a few months of trying home remedies like radish & mustard suppers, drinking lots of whiskey and peeing outside, I never got better, so I went to the Doctor.

He asked if I chewed my fingernails.

I said, “No, but I do chew the extra skin that grows around my fingernails, because it bugs the heck out of me. Every time I go to the bathroom, toilet paper gets caught on the extra fingernail skin and it tears the paper. So I chew off that extra skin right then and there. Now I try to save money by using a minimum amount of paper with each wipe. Now if that snag went and tore the paper, I might get a bit of poop on my hands which means I’ll end up with a small amount of fecal material in my mouth when I bite off the offending skin. But I spit it right out. So I don’t think that would get me sick.”

He did some kind of blood testing thing and found I had a bacterial infection in me tummy. I thought it was acid reflux, but turned out it was germs. He gave me an antibiotic and told me to stop sucking on my fingers on the toilet.

Which reminds me of international politics. When Bush invaded Iraq, it was on a “gut-feeling.” He didn’t really have a logical reason. When Iran decided to go nuclear, his “gut” told him to sit it out. Now, Israel attacked Lebanon, his “gut” told him to give them the thumbs up, which ended up in a real mess.

This got me to thinkin’, maybe he just has the acid reflux and that’s why he done so bad…since…since…well, maybe he’s always had the acid.

Concerning that scrotum…

Sometimes little infant testicles will get sucked right up into the body. Scientists say this is natural because of this and that. But all good Christian’s know God controls all.

Now if God has a second thought about whether someone is a guy or a gal, then the testicles shoot right up into the body. If he decides, yes, this will be a gal, then, them testes turn right into ovaries and the penis disappears and verily, verily a vagina appears.

Blessed is he who comes in the name of the vagina.

Now what happened with your man, Rebecca, is God thought, “Well, this guy is kinda-ov-a good listener. Maybe he should be a female?” Then he gets distracted for a second. Then when he gets back to thinkin’ about your man, that one split-second is about 25 years – our time, and he thinks, “Well too late now, better keep him a man, since he’s married and all.”

During that brief second of divine distraction, your man’s testicle got sucked up just like a wee baby’s.

Either that or he has an eeny-weenie-teenie-tiny testicle and he hickup’d and up it went.

And now you know…

Remember, if you have a question to “Ask Bob”, don’t forget to tell us where your from, like Denver, or China, or whatever…I like to include it!

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COMING NEXT: A CHUNK O’ TIME, TIMES NINE.

The terror!

Seznicki from Dearborn, MI writes:

Dear Bob,
What are the ramifications of the latest terrorist threat?


Dearest Mr. Or Mrs. Seznicki,

Recently I got together with an old friend and we smoked a little dope and drank a little beer. Now I consider myself part of the conservative party. Because I agree with Rush Limbaugh, getting high is cool. Sometimes feeling good is good enough. “Rush is right! Now pass the bong.”

Usually when people smoke the dope they watch TV and think about it way too much, this night was no different. We ended up watching the new “War of the World. To tell the truth, I liked the old movie better. Three eyed, three legged, purple people eaters in spaceships from Mars makes perfect sense to me.

Then, they came out with the 80’s made for TV series. The intro went like this, “Forty years ago, they tried to take over the planet…now they’re taking over our bodies! The main jist was the aliens somehow climbed inside peoples bodies who ran governments and things and would prepare the planet for alien domination.

The only problem I had with this one is that when the aliens climbed out of a body, it was a man in an alien outfit, which wasn’t very impressive. Then the alien had to be big for a guy to fit in the obvious costume. They averaged about seven feet tall and twice as wide as the person they came from. This just didn’t make sense to me, why didn’t they just hire a short person like me. I’m only five foot tall, I would have fit perfectly into a properly proportioned alien outfit. Nobody even called and asked, I would have done it for cheap…I needed the money!

So about the movie, what didn’t make sense to me, is the ships came from under the ground. So the aliens would have had buried the ships, like, half a million years ago, and now they transport themselves inside to let loose the dogs of war. But why would they store perfectly good “planet-takin’-over-machines” on Earth, unused, for such a long time.

Is spaceship storage supper-dupper expensive? Didn’t they have other planets to take over in the mean-time?

What about the technology? By they time they got back to Earth, the technology of those ships are now a half million years old. I would think by now, they might have developed somethin’ better. Maybe it was just a salvage team pickin’ up some old shit, and they decided to have a little fun with the locals. Were the folks that came down into those ships basically alien versions of “Sanford and Son?”

And what about geology? We have equipment to make sure we don’t build buildings in sink holes, stuff used to detect earthquakes, and plain old drilling. With these things buried all over the place, don’t you think we would’ve bumped into a ship the size of the Empire State Building?

When I think of all the money they spent and all the folks that must have reviewed the story before it went into production, it just makes my head spin. The combined effort of the writers, producers, actors, and directors, couldn’t figure out the obvious flaws that makes the movie disappointing. I just don’t want to think about it anymore.

Anyways, back to your question. No hair gel on airplanes, it’s quite a tragedy. Just think of the poor guy on a plane going to that big job interview, he gets to his destination late. The hotel doesn’t have his brand of hair care product or even worse mouthwash! He shows up unshaven with messy hair and bad breath. Looks like its no job for the weary traveler. Guess you might as well save your money and not go.

How are people from Italy going to travel to the US for that important business deal? Everyone knows an Italian won’t leave the house without hair gel. It’s like a woman showing up for work on a bad hair day. It’s like a Mexican turning down a job. It just ain’t gonna happen!

This upsets our whole way of life, damn those terrorists…damn them to hell!

Feel free to "ask Bob" your question at publishing@theweirdcrap.com!

Coming Soon: It’s Mr. Sockforahead…really!