Too Tectonical for my blood

Adam from Notts England writes:
bob i married a lovely lookin lady 17 yrs ago but she as taken on the apperance of a spider monkey now should i live we it or kill it...adam from notts england

Dear Adam:
Try not to over react.

This is exactly what I’ve been saying about North Korea. One minute the moon is a mistress, the next she threatening to shove a nuke up your ass. But like I said last week, North Korea is only hurting herself.

First off, Mr. Jim-Joon Jim-John Jimmy-jim-jim, koo-yung, has started a cultural revolution he won’t be able to stop. In the long run, that cultural change will destroy his legacy. 50 years from now his policies will seem as foolish an nonsensical as the anti-civil rights policies of Georgia’s government back in the 1950’s.

Anyways, that’s looking on the bright side. On the not so bright side, in recent years geophysics has revealed the incredibly obvious. Apparently if you map all known fault systems of the earth, it appears that fault lines known on land were connected under the sea in a vast network on a worldwide scope.

If you compare these maps with maps of tectonic plates you’ll probably conclude that major fault lines are the tectonic plates and smaller faults are extensions from those plates. Well, it just so happens that a major tectonic plate (Eurasian plate) and fault line runs right smack down the East Asian coast. My guestimation is that Korea is just too damn close to that major fault line to predict exactly what will happen.

But it seems fairly obvious that a jolt that close to a major fault line (tectonic plate) may cause some unwanted results. Considering that Korea is the Florida of China, they just may cause themselves to physically break from the mainland and descend to the ocean below…Atlantis style. But that’s just a possibility.

Looks like I forgot about that spider lady…

Kill it, step on it, squash it-dead-dead-dead!

That was my first reaction. Then I noticed you said spider monkey … not spider. Spiders are horrible non-earth creatures that need to be killed when ever possible. Even things that look like spiders need to be destroyed.

But spider monkeys are cutesy-cutesy little fur balls of joy who should never be harmed. Cherish your new monkey-wife, she has been exhaulted to a higher plane.

However, if she starts picking shit out of your hair and eating it, you may consider showering daily. I realize this is not part of normal to European culture, but its just a sacrifice you’ll have to make.


And now you know.


YOU WANNA SEND ME A QUESTION?
Gimme’ your name, where you from, and a question. That’s it.

COMING NEXT: Was I talking about crackers?

It's in the tea!

Due to web mail from our Nebraska fans I have to stress that last week I stated that it seems to me that Ricketts (running for Senate in Ne) is a skin head. I was not stating he actually was, nor do I have evidence the proves the fact. I just call ‘em the way I see ‘em.

Now that we’re done with that, how ‘bout that North Korean nuclear bomb and what will come of it? Seems to me that now they will now annex South Korea and maybe a few neighboring countries. We won’t we able to get involved, because they’ll use nukes on our troops and the country they’re invading. In light of this, the country being invaded won’t want us to intervene because it will mean massive destruction of their own country.

Currently we do have the “Star Wars” laser that President Regan dreamed about but never saw. It can shoot down a missile in mid-air using computers to map trajectories and a very big chemical laser. It’s so big it would have to ride on a flat bed to move it around. But its accurate and powerful. It could easily shoot down a bomber holding a nuke. There is a non-chemical version that is much smaller being tested, but its not ready yet.

Nonetheless, I don’t think Asian countries would want to take the chance and just beg us not to intervene.

So what next?

Well, I’ll tell you. It’s the Rock ‘N Roll.

After we invented a nuclear bomb, our society went into a “Roaring 20’s” stage, with the rock music and the hippies. Why? They realized that with nukes on our side and nukes on the USSR’s side, any day could be the end of our world. Therefore, the younger generation rebels against the establishment that brings the promise of total destruction. Thus, they party like it’s 1999.

It’s a social revolution. And it’ll happen again, only this time in Asia. Mixing South Korean society with North Korea will only speed things up. Once the revolution takes place, people will demand more rights, freedoms, and free enterprise. It’ll take another generation to come to a reality, but it’ll happen. We’ll end up with a Korea, that’s more like China. Maybe not a democracy in name, but a democracy in spirit.

So in reality, North Korea just set them selves up to become what their leader hates the most…a western-like society. All we have to do, is stay out of the way.

I've done extensive research and discrete communications to provide you with this previously unreleased document in the Foley case. Unlike most that you’ve seen, this one is a message sent from an unnamed page to Foley:

Listen Foley I think I got something to say to you. It's late
September and I really should be back at school. I know I keep you amused,
but I feel I'm being used. Oh Foley I couldn't have tried any more.

You lured me away from home just to save you from being alone. You
stole my heart and that's what really hurt.

The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age. But
that don't worry me none, in my eyes you're everything. All I needed was a
friend to lend a guiding hand, but you turned into a lover and brother what a
lover, you wore me out. All you did was wreck my bed, and in the morning
kick me in the head. Oh Foley I couldn't have tried anymore.

You made a first-class fool out of me. But I'm as blind as a fool can
be, you stole my heart but I love you anyway.

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: It’s gotta be the tea!