Strategizin' real hard

“Billy” from ‘The East Coast’ writes:

Dear Mr. Bob,
Many of the folks workin’ beneath me say you don’t know what you’re talking about when goin’ political. But time seems to favor your ideas.

Now, I don’t wanna say who exactly I happen to be, but this much I can say without being too obvi-typical; I have been runnin a rather large world-ly country for some time now and things aren’t quite goin’ tha way I planned.

I have been strategizing quite a bit, sometimes way past bedtime, but still can’t get myself back into the popularity.

Got any ideas?


Dear “Billy”

Hmmm, that’s a tough one, but I broke it down to three easy steps.

1. Go full time.
Presidenting is hard, you just can’t afford do dabble in it here and there anymore. Dedicate the same amount of hours that you would a full time job. Here are some idea’s to help you clear that busy schedule.
a. Limit your T.V. You don’t want to miss your favorite game and you also want to watch “Deal or No Deal.” You are powerful leader now, pick one and let the other go, use the extra time for strategizing.
b. Get the most out of “potty-time.” Got a big one? Take important documents and reports to the bathroom and turn that grunt-time into study-time.
c. Interrupted all the time? Establish certain hours that you will work at home. This will discourage kids and wives from interrupting during work-time.

2. Pretend that it’s exactly what you planned.
a. Can’t catch that bad guy? Pretend that your secret service has him under wraps, but you are learning so much about his group’s plans that it would not be wise to “bring him to justice” just yet!
b. Got caught violating human rights or the Constitution? Put emphasis that it got past you (who would never approve), but the fact that a watchdog group found the discrepancy is a testimony of how good democracy works under your rule!
c. Loosing a war? Tell ‘em your giving the enemy a false sense of security right before your victory blow!

3. Go on TV!
Nobody voted for you because you’re smart. You were elected because people like your smile.

Like a strip show. It’s no good if Tina-Triple-D gets the DJ’s mike and talks about her assets.

Just like Tina, you got to get your ass on that stage!

I hope this helps you “Billy”.

And now you know.

COMING NEXT: Why aren’t all women gay?

Anna, Anna, Anna…

A day late on posting my regular Monday column; however, I was pretty sick and I just didn’t have the energy to think about anything. Luckily the bug only lasted a day so I can give all my regular visitors a dose of Senitram.

Speaking of visitors, our traffic here at TheWeirdcrap.com is about ¼ of what it was a year ago. I can only blame myself, since I hardly have time to post fictions stories these days. We got plenty submitted, but with a new infant time is short. Remember, back in the day, we had no kids and my wife was a full time student. I literally had nothing else to do!

Speaking of nothing else to do, lets talk about Anna. It was finally determined who Anna Nichol’s daughter was, and to tell the truth I was surprised. This is why.

At work, folks couldn’t think of anything else. It was Anna this and Anna that. But one co-worker kept saying that the dumb-blonde thing was all an act, and she was actually a very smart person.

Well I figured if she was smart, she would have sent the thousand year old billionaire to a sperm bank one day and froze a few of his billion dollar sperm. She could’ve just given him some Viagra and a playboy that featured herself. He would have forgot the next day anyway.

If he refused, she could have fueled him with Viagra again, and gone bobbing for apples. When the dirty deed done dirt-cheap was done, she could just spit his babies it into a baggie and froze it nice and solid.

Then when all hope was gone of getting his fortune, she could have been artificially inseminated with the billion dollar pollywogs. And just like that she would have a genetic heir that would guarantee instant bank deposits.

That’s what she would have done if she was smart. It would have required planning for the unexpected (like a two-hundred year old man kicking the bucket). Remember she did get him to change his will, this would have been a back-up plan…again, only a smart person would have a back-up plan.

As it turns out, smart or not, I guess she wasn’t the “brain” that my co-worker’s bragged about.

Speaking of “brains”, I got this email from one of the few loyal visitors recently:

Jon from LA writes:
“Back in the day, it was dumb-Bush this and dumb-Bush that. Now you hardly mention his name, despite all that has happened. What gives?”

Dear Jon,
Back in the day, Bush had his goose stepping Republicans on the rampage. It was kind of scarry, I thought we might become a country “occupied” by a republic blind with power and war.

Not only has Bush failed to create a police-like state, he has failed in more ways than I would wish on any single man. Although you can still view the war-hungry, liberty-bashing Republicans screaming for more, more, more; I don’t think anyone listens.

I used to dislike George Bush, but to tell the truth, now I just feel sorry for him.

And now you know.

Coming Next: I had a sticky note, but I lost it!